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Godspeed, my person.

While growing up, I missed a lot of important events back in my native. With less technology to aid, we'd wait for the next uncle or aunt who'd return from vacation to see a couple of photographs or to hear all about it, while they pulled out coconuts, bananas, snacks and pickles from their cartoon box stained with oil and fragrant of Kerala. 

This phase also denied us the privilege to say goodbye to many of our loved ones. I remember how we'd get a call on our landline that lasted less than a minute - "Chettan is gone. The funeral will be mostly in the morning." This call is usually followed by some silence, a burning candle and sharing some memories. In fact, my father heard of his own dad the same way - just fortunate that he had a mobile phone by then and received the news while driving on the highway. We lit candles and prayed for grandpa while Pappa George got on a flight to say his final goodbye - or is it really a goodbye once the person is already gone?

Years have rolled by, and I guess I've begun to lose people who were significant in different ways - some who were dear to me, some who were most important to my friends, some who made me realize that I'd miss them only once they left. I believed that being closer to the clan in India would make these things easier - better accessibility physically and all the advancements. But somehow, I still seem to be on the other end of notifications most of the time. I somehow don't make it in time to respect my own sentiments, stand by my loved ones or process in a way I should. 

I'm sure we're all dealing with this in some capacity - I know some very close to my heart who are doing it in their own way. I often wonder what the process could be for each. I now think more empathetically about my parents, who endured n number of phone calls on that landline in our home in Muscat. 

This morning, I woke up to a voice note notification on WhatsApp that I played at 1.5x to receive yet another update about losing someone dear. I couldn't help but wonder where the progress has taken us - from landline to voice notes? This dear someone was having a tough time, and I hope he is at ease now. Amen.
I listened to the note a couple of times and took a moment. I then turned my head from the phone and happened to catch sight of a little something he gifted us that was extremely thoughtful. While walking towards it, I happened to lay my eyes on a small prayer my paternal grandmother had given me. Oh, how I loved feeling her hand on me - so soft and comforting. I didn't get to say goodbye to her the way I'd like either.
With all these thoughts and a busy day ahead, I walked to the wardrobe to pull out my clothes and found a beautifully embroidered hanky - it was made matching to my wedding attire. My valiamma always had a needle and thread in her hand. She was constantly weaving magic. She got me the most beautiful hand-embroidered set of handkerchiefs during my wedding season. It was probably all I could hold on to and squeeze during those overwhelming days. I miss her. 


I just held on to the hanky, went to my seat, and sat with my eyes closed for a while.

I was not ready to stumble upon anything more that took me back in time for today. 


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