How are You?

Whenever someone close asked me “how are you”, I’d take it seriously. I’d take it for granted that they wanted to hear it all. I’d assume that they have the time to hear everything. I would share tidbits of what's going well and a sneak peek at what's challenging for me. I would anticipate them to care, validate, and listen.

Over time, I began to notice that I often receive one-line or one-word responses when I ask the same question. It felt like a lost opportunity or a meaningless exchange with minimal connection. I spent some time building up scenarios in my imagination, blaming myself, and doubting both relevant and irrelevant factors. It took me a really long time to identify the errors in my automatic thoughts. Once I started catching these errors, it made more sense and helped me navigate better on most days.

I always began my letters to my grandparents and other family members back home with "how are you?" and then gave a full-fledged narrative of "how I was."  With that one crucial question at the beginning of my letter to them, I had full confidence that they would pen down their complete kahani! I lived for a very long time in that setting established years ago, when we first learnt how to write letters in school. 

I’m sure there are others like me who talk a lot and share a little extra. My “how are you” comes from a genuine wanting to know. It has been a priority and I think it will always be. Today I am learning and simultaneously educating my mind that it might not be the same for all. Time, varying dynamics in relations, personal struggles, perceived value etc. are probably some of the reasons why we all often receive single-word or one-liner responses. It often has not much to do with us, but a lot to do with the person on the other side. And it is okay.

#Efficientnotbusy is a campaign that’s been running at my workplace off late. This thought has always resonated with me, and it serves as a reminder that as time passes, both the circle we can maintain and the circle that sustains us will get smaller. When we consider it, the decline is healthy. It takes a while to get used to the distance and context, but it is helping everyone involved in some way I guess. 

So now I know which “how are you” calls for my rant and which is meant for “fine”.

Having said that, let me ask, “How are you?”