That continuous Metamorphosis

Considering that this year has been a lot about motherhood for me, it had to be a year of intense connection. While that experience with my son and husband has been a chapter by itself, what needed more time and energy was realizing the need and beauty of a profound disconnect.

I never worked well with the concept of disconnect. Was it because I did not learn how to build boundaries too well? – Let’s just say that I did not learn to draw them well and my parents probably still don’t know that there is an option to do so.

Celebrating bonds, emotions and heavily investing in relationships is what I’ve been conditioned to.
No – I still can’t tell myself it is any less than amazing.
Yes – I can now tell myself that not everyone can understand or feel the same way.

If the idea of needing to “disconnect” at times sounds ridiculous, or even mean-spirited, I want to assure you that isn’t my intent at all. In my own life too, I have been the one that was disconnected from. It does hurt, but when I started accepting that it really isn’t about me, as much as that the other person needs it in order to move on in their life, it helps immensely.
As the old saying goes, “there’s my story, then there’s your story, and often, somewhere in the middle is the truth.” So it isn’t necessarily about anyone being the bad guy.

I look back at the many lovely people who I walked with and then had to go different ways – I’m sorry if I did not make moving on easy for you. I hope we are all in better spaces now.
I look around at the ones who believe they are walking with me but actually only has the time for my “I’m fine” to their occasional “how are you”. I hope you understand why it is important for me or anyone to be in a space where there is the exchange of energy than a one way drain of energy.
I look eye to eye at the ones who let my conditioning of celebrating bonds and investing heavily in relations look good.
I look forward to strong relationships that come with equal strength from both parties to sustain it.

This year with motherhood, I am constantly asked about how I feel about leaving Neil when I go to work or if I miss him. Neil is undoubtedly the most wholesome experience of my life – he has come in pushing my boundaries (or did I push him!), reminding me of who I am and what I may be capable of and giving a stronger urge to be better and stay healthy.

Being his mother is so lovely and it will forever be difficult for me to explain exactly what it encapsulates. But I hope to live a life where he is always aware and grows to respect the individual that Glynn is. That intense connection I feel with him is only complete when there is a profound disconnect in my opinion – a healthy space for him and myself to breathe, grow and look up to each other as individuals.

Re-condition  |  Un-learn  |  Dis-connect