Desert Rose

Off late, there is so much banter around the heat. This year, the summer has pushed us all to sweat it out without having to really sweat it out. After every such conversation, I think of the summers while I was growing up. I mean, we grew up in the Middle East so the “we know how hot it can get” sort of attitude does come across subtly!  These seasons change the nitty-gritty of our everyday life in such a significant manner, though we don’t really notice most of it. The summer was harsh where we grew up – like so hot. We were privileged enough to not experience the brunt of it with the comfort of moving into air-conditioned facilities. However, some things screamed summer and made life difficult. Picture this: exposed pipes running through our house like fiery serpents, heating up the water as it made its way from tank to tap. It's like the water itself was trying to stage a rebellion against our attempts to stay cool. The time it stays in the pipeline, it just heated up all the m...

 “They’ve said and written grand, wonderful things. I hope you get to read and hear all of them, because there’s something so special in that experience, in falling in love with words. Feeling them like fluttering butterflies beneath your skin. Like whirlwinds in your head. Like a punch to the gut.” ― Fredrik Backman, Things My Son Needs to Know About The World Words have always worked for me. Things I said. Things I wrote. And I got so used to it working for me. I took it for granted. Over the years, things that needed to be said and written kept growing. The words kept flowing at a much faster pace that my mind couldn’t keep up with. Flowing almost became forcing. I mostly found myself filled with bursting words and that became a consistent part of my existence. Some of it found a voice in this world to heal while some created rifts. Some of it resonated differently and some of it was disregarded.  Certain words arrived too swiftly, leaving insufficient time for...

Up until 15 years ago Growing up in Muscat, we made it home in time for lunch. We could eat with our hands and take our own sweet time. Or could we? Because welcome to Geolin – rules are rules, girls! Our lovely home was a little uphill and as Pappa geared up the slope and the car came to a halt, we’d catch a glimpse of our Mumma standing at the door. She’d be fresh after a bath, wet hair loosely tied at the end leaving enough room for it to dry out slowly. She was almost always draped in a set mundu keeping us rooted. What a stunner, Mumma! She’d stand there and catch a glimpse of us and know exactly how our day went. From the comfort of the car to the scorching heat outside to the warmth of the home was routine, but one of the biggest luxuries this life has given me. Lunch was always ready. I never asked how. I never even wondered. It would be laid out on the table and we just needed to finish about 10 things in Mumma’s rule book to be able to devour our lunch. Shoes in the rac...

Have you gone back to a place that when you last visited made you go all wow and yay? Have you observed how the wave of joy came in not like a gush but slowly flowed in and tickled your feet? Have you experienced the familiarity and the feelings of the past kick in slowly - everything you used to wow about; and then slowly you’re wondering why it all feels so different? A couple of weeks back, I went to Mysore for probably the third time in the last 5 years. This time, while walking through the palace, I noticed myself looking for “me”. There was this version of me whose heart paced and did kathak in rounds all over that Durbar hall when I first visited. The indo sarcenic interiors had sparked off that ghazal in my head and my body language changed as though I took each step carefully adorning the lavish costumes. This time I just noticed how my reactions had changed. It took longer for me to start doing that Kathak. I remember how I’d have a clear idea of what I should wear wh...

I miss them. The salad bars in Pizza Hut. I often overthink it – why do they not have them in India?! You might tell – Aren’t the pizzas more their thing, then why worry about the salad?   Well. Go to the salad bar and then let’s talk! That plate of salad is what I feel is absolute education. In Pizza Hut, there is the scheme of paying for a plate and taking as much salad as you can in one short in that plate. As straightforward as it may sound, it is an exercise that challenges you and tests you on everyday skills! The presence of mind to hold a napkin in your hand with the plate before you start – Initiate with purpose. Holding it firmly and doing the mental calculation of what goes where and the approximate quantities – Planning. Starting the layering and making those calculative moves – Be it the base layer of lettuce to avoid the runoff from the coleslaw and pickled beet or making sure the olives are embedded in the salads; silently recollecting the errors tha...

There are choices you make that put the well-being of your tribe first. You make an effort to persuade yourself that it will ultimately bring you happiness. But some days you see yourself holding on to words like “if”. There are some relationships in which you invest much more than you had anticipated. Later, you spend days building a narrative in your head about why things don’t look the same anymore , despite everything. There are those people for whom you made space with effort but then they got conditioned to it and stopped seeing beyond. You do everything you can to shift your perspective to “no expectations” but the mind resists. Viscous cycle or what? The last decade has been this for me – And, it has been going on long enough for my bones to feel it!

Whenever someone close asked me “how are you”, I’d take it seriously. I’d take it for granted that they wanted to hear it all. I’d assume that they have the time to hear everything. I would share tidbits of what's going well and a sneak peek at what's challenging for me. I would anticipate them to care, validate, and listen. Over time, I began to notice that I often receive one-line or one-word responses when I ask the same question. It felt like a lost opportunity or a meaningless exchange with minimal connection. I spent some time building up scenarios in my imagination, blaming myself, and doubting both relevant and irrelevant factors. It took me a really long time to identify the errors in my automatic thoughts. Once I started catching these errors, it made more sense and helped me navigate better on most days. I always began my letters to my grandparents and other family members back home with "how are you?" and then gave a full-fledged narrative of "how I...

Over the years, I have observed that doing extraordinary things is sometimes a little easier than doing the ordinary and necessary. We often deliver projects well or achieve more than our target for the month but would not have managed to make our bed, cook our meal or take a walk. In the literal sense, extraordinary is that which needs a little extra but looks like we're living in a time where the extra is what the ordinary tasks require.  Over the last decade, health has been a portfolio where I've tried to invest consistently. My personal experiences within the family, watching some near one's bargain for more time and witnessing some hitting the finish line, have been growing on me steadily. Even in the most casual conversations, when I hear a statement or comment where the body and life we have is taken for granted, it gets me restless and sad.  I always embraced routine and the ordinary. It genuinely helps me even through the days when my extraordinary plans don't...

When days got closer to vacation in India or a trip, Mumma Lin usually went into severe planning and strategising mode. The key takeaway from her economic major, "maximum utilisation of available resources", blared louder than on regular days. She ensured that she ran the show with everything available until the departure and avoided "procurement" in the last week.  When the stock was minimal and other tasks were on priority, I always wanted to eat something that was not there at home. If I wanted a burji, there wouldn't be the egg. The potato wouldn't be there if I felt like having mumma's special potato korma. And if all the main ingredients were there - then onion wouldn't be there! After some discussions and convincing, I'd be on my way to my neighbour's home to pick up every missing part of my craving! These trips were wholesome in every way I can remember. Sometimes, you'd have to go to a couple of doors to ensure you have everythin...

 The hardcover was intact but a little sticky from years of perspiration from being stuck in the cupboard. It is lovely how seeing just the outer cover can stir a whole lot of emotions. It can wake up memories that you had put to sleep with a lot of effort. On turning each page, each of their faces smiling wide was so clear in the mind. In a phase of life where you’re wondering if memory is your thing anymore, it is quite reassuring to see your mind map the handwriting to the right faces.   A line here and a phrase there; a quick sketch here and an inside joke there; ink pen on a page that’s slowly fading (but you still remember enough to fill in); pages made all colorful with every line in a different pen. On a day when everything felt grey from the inside, just flipping the pages painted her mind red. They’d been the world at a point. Then there was a blur. Then there were years of questioning the blur. This phase was followed by some agitation and anger for not being...

It was in my 9th grade that I decided what I'd pursue as a career. I am not able to recollect when it all began and how I picked up Architecture as a potential profession. I remember my parents taking me to career counseling sessions and doing everything in their capacity to make sure I take an informed decision. When I look back, I believe I tailored the results of those sessions myself. In my head, I had that career implanted - so every questionnaire and every one on one interview - all boiled down to a career in design.  But what I strongly remember is that I never chose architecture because I wanted to run my own firm or work in an architectural studio - I don't believe I said that out loud! To be associated with the construction industry with a deep understanding of design so as to execute and get a project running was why I took this path. I knew it before I started my studies, but somewhere down the line, with the fraternity being inclined towards only the obvious career...

Bags were packed and they were all ready to go. But for her, it was so much more. She imagined the whole journey over and over again. She thought of the stolen glances, the giggles, intertwined hands, and all that this journey was about to unfurl.  The train trailed off from the station with a happy troupe. It did not go the way she imagined it in her head. It was happy but not how she pictured it. She distracted her mind and tried to stay focused on the chats and bustle among the friends.  But then she began to see clearly - yes, she was imagining it all. She was making it all up in her head and so fiercely defending and protecting her ideas because she wanted to.  She slowly made her way through the bustle to the compartment's door. She sat there with her eyes closed, imagining the stories untold and lips unkissed. She had to come to terms with the fact that they were not looking for the same kind of love. She needed to make peace with that soon before the train reached...

That morning stretch & silent prayer; that tea or coffee that you prepare. A little sweat and some good smiles; and cleaning off some pending piles. A pleasant hello to the one across; a quick chat with someone you were cross. A plate full that satisfies the tummy and soul; a good watch without having to scroll. A goodnight with a book over the face;  and that feeling of not being part of any race. Most of the days - this is all we need.  The honesty and integrity of daily routine - the highest vibrating energy to take us ahead.

Considering that this year has been a lot about motherhood for me, it had to be a year of intense connection. While that experience with my son and husband has been a chapter by itself, what needed more time and energy was realizing the need and beauty of a profound disconnect. I never worked well with the concept of disconnect. Was it because I did not learn how to build boundaries too well? – Let’s just say that I did not learn to draw them well and my parents probably still don’t know that there is an option to do so. Celebrating bonds, emotions and heavily investing in relationships is what I’ve been conditioned to. No – I still can’t tell myself it is any less than amazing. Yes – I can now tell myself that not everyone can understand or feel the same way. If the idea of needing to “disconnect” at times sounds ridiculous, or even mean-spirited, I want to assure you that isn’t my intent at all. In my own life too, I have been the one that was disconnected from. It does hurt,...

Back in 2016, when I was gearing up to get married, I happened to be part of many conversations that were a little confusing. At that point, I also penned down my thoughts in a blog "You're Getting Married?!" .    Ever since, I've been observing conversations, patterns, and its implications with a lot more attention - just for me to make sense of it.  A lot of the things said and done these days under the tag of sense of humor feels very unsettling to me - naive or snarky is what they happen to be more than often.  From early on as a child, the idea of raising a kid came very naturally to me. Over the years I grew up envisioning a future that definitely had this aspect covered. And then something changed over the last 6 to 7 years. I started revisiting the idea very often. I went through all phases - planning according to my age and our finances (looks like I wasn't good at keeping up with my plan 😛), considering adoption or fostering to cite a few. But I knew th...

My heart has been beating a tad bit faster than many around me since I was born. It handles a little too much blood at a time and quicker than normal. Nothing major, but innocent murmur trouble. It is not the kind that needs any medical attention – thank God. But my stamina and control over breathing have always been a tricky domain. From my teenage, I’ve been conscious about fixing health in general. I’ve been doing something or the other in this direction for years now. This urge got stronger with some major milestones we encountered in Geolin (our family) through my undergrad years. Pappa George was forced to join the Parkinson’s party and Mumma Lin took her membership in the ‘C’ club as they call it (Cancer). Both are happy, healthy, and fighting odds like warriors to date  – thank God. My sister has also had her share of health hurdles since she was a little girl and is still figuring it out. So over the years, the obsession to stay healthy has been a constant thought i...

What was I even thinking? Some days you just can't stop wondering about this. Some soups we get ourselves into, leave us questioning our own self over and over again. Some people we choose make us wonder about our capacity to analyze or make choices. Some of these situations are such a mess that though we make ourselves believe that we have moved on, very often we keep going back trying to understand why it took that path.  Whoever it may be or whatever situation it was, we definitely knew what we were feeling. But then - what were we thinking? Or, did we think at all? In some way or the other way, most of us are trying to sort something like this at all points.  A couple of days after me and my friend spoke about this aspect, I happened to read a note I'd written to myself in one of my older notebooks.  "What was I thinking? - I clearly wasn't thinking. Why wasn't I thinking? - Because I was busy feeling and I guess some aspect of it was good at that moment."...

The sight of a board that says "Waiting Room" mostly gives me a headache. Does that happen to you? The long lines at the billing counter, a delayed slot at the doctor's appointment, the wait for your order in a restaurant (the worst kind) and what not.  Well, for that matter, when I was in labor, the duty doctor told me to hold a bit as she wanted me to "wait for my doctor". Neil was born five minutes later !<Yes, thankfully my doc made it too> So yea, waiting is always tough! I'm sure majority of us felt all this and yet, now we are all waiting. Some to cross borders and meet their loved ones ; Some to get started with that job that they were supposed to join; Some to write those exams once and for all and get done with it;  Some to exit life situations that they now realize is no more than a suffocating hole; Some to finally start doing that thing they've been putting off forever; And all of us to just be able to step o...

21 days. There were countdowns everywhere. Different kinds of them - cooking experiments, art and craft, reading, reviews of contents to watch on digital platforms, ludo tournaments, zoom calls, home work-outs, cleaning and rearranging spaces and so on. The interesting part is that most of us knew that these 21 days will not be the end. In fact we were sure that there will be more to it. But still there was the countdown. There was hope. In a sense, we've lost count of days but countdowns are still on. Quarantine activities and #hashtags are still trending. Economy has collapsed. People around the world are going through all sorts of tough situations. Some people are dying in bits and pieces and so many are just dying. Freedom has now taken a new definition. But we feel hope. We have faith. For many it has been about realizing that while searching all around to experience the profound, it was right there in their homes. For many it has been about re...

There are these things which seem so little or trivial but actually is so strong in its impact and intent.   At the end of every big discussion we realize that it's after all a list of small things that needs to be looked into.  When David and I started talking a few years ago, there were certain casual statements and major discussions that flowed between us which gave us both the confidence to look at a future with each other. I remember this one time, when we discussed children - funnily enough we both didn't seem too sure about whether we wanted to have children, and if we did, we had no idea when. But we both seemed to agree on what the child's name should be like and that seemed to be the most organic part of the conversation. Fast forward - And Last month, we welcomed our little one to this world and we were definitely feeling a whole lot of things. There obviously was so much excitement to tell the world about his arrival and so we did with the expected...