Desert Rose

Off late, there is so much banter around the heat. This year, the summer has pushed us all to sweat it out without having to really sweat it out. After every such conversation, I think of the summers while I was growing up. I mean, we grew up in the Middle East so the “we know how hot it can get” sort of attitude does come across subtly!  These seasons change the nitty-gritty of our everyday life in such a significant manner, though we don’t really notice most of it. The summer was harsh where we grew up – like so hot. We were privileged enough to not experience the brunt of it with the comfort of moving into air-conditioned facilities. However, some things screamed summer and made life difficult. Picture this: exposed pipes running through our house like fiery serpents, heating up the water as it made its way from tank to tap. It's like the water itself was trying to stage a rebellion against our attempts to stay cool. The time it stays in the pipeline, it just heated up all the m...

Have you gone back to a place that when you last visited made you go all wow and yay? Have you observed how the wave of joy came in not like a gush but slowly flowed in and tickled your feet? Have you experienced the familiarity and the feelings of the past kick in slowly - everything you used to wow about; and then slowly you’re wondering why it all feels so different? A couple of weeks back, I went to Mysore for probably the third time in the last 5 years. This time, while walking through the palace, I noticed myself looking for “me”. There was this version of me whose heart paced and did kathak in rounds all over that Durbar hall when I first visited. The indo sarcenic interiors had sparked off that ghazal in my head and my body language changed as though I took each step carefully adorning the lavish costumes. This time I just noticed how my reactions had changed. It took longer for me to start doing that Kathak. I remember how I’d have a clear idea of what I should wear wh...

There are choices you make that put the well-being of your tribe first. You make an effort to persuade yourself that it will ultimately bring you happiness. But some days you see yourself holding on to words like “if”. There are some relationships in which you invest much more than you had anticipated. Later, you spend days building a narrative in your head about why things don’t look the same anymore , despite everything. There are those people for whom you made space with effort but then they got conditioned to it and stopped seeing beyond. You do everything you can to shift your perspective to “no expectations” but the mind resists. Viscous cycle or what? The last decade has been this for me – And, it has been going on long enough for my bones to feel it!

 The hardcover was intact but a little sticky from years of perspiration from being stuck in the cupboard. It is lovely how seeing just the outer cover can stir a whole lot of emotions. It can wake up memories that you had put to sleep with a lot of effort. On turning each page, each of their faces smiling wide was so clear in the mind. In a phase of life where you’re wondering if memory is your thing anymore, it is quite reassuring to see your mind map the handwriting to the right faces.   A line here and a phrase there; a quick sketch here and an inside joke there; ink pen on a page that’s slowly fading (but you still remember enough to fill in); pages made all colorful with every line in a different pen. On a day when everything felt grey from the inside, just flipping the pages painted her mind red. They’d been the world at a point. Then there was a blur. Then there were years of questioning the blur. This phase was followed by some agitation and anger for not being...

It was in my 9th grade that I decided what I'd pursue as a career. I am not able to recollect when it all began and how I picked up Architecture as a potential profession. I remember my parents taking me to career counseling sessions and doing everything in their capacity to make sure I take an informed decision. When I look back, I believe I tailored the results of those sessions myself. In my head, I had that career implanted - so every questionnaire and every one on one interview - all boiled down to a career in design.  But what I strongly remember is that I never chose architecture because I wanted to run my own firm or work in an architectural studio - I don't believe I said that out loud! To be associated with the construction industry with a deep understanding of design so as to execute and get a project running was why I took this path. I knew it before I started my studies, but somewhere down the line, with the fraternity being inclined towards only the obvious career...

Bags were packed and they were all ready to go. But for her, it was so much more. She imagined the whole journey over and over again. She thought of the stolen glances, the giggles, intertwined hands, and all that this journey was about to unfurl.  The train trailed off from the station with a happy troupe. It did not go the way she imagined it in her head. It was happy but not how she pictured it. She distracted her mind and tried to stay focused on the chats and bustle among the friends.  But then she began to see clearly - yes, she was imagining it all. She was making it all up in her head and so fiercely defending and protecting her ideas because she wanted to.  She slowly made her way through the bustle to the compartment's door. She sat there with her eyes closed, imagining the stories untold and lips unkissed. She had to come to terms with the fact that they were not looking for the same kind of love. She needed to make peace with that soon before the train reached...

That morning stretch & silent prayer; that tea or coffee that you prepare. A little sweat and some good smiles; and cleaning off some pending piles. A pleasant hello to the one across; a quick chat with someone you were cross. A plate full that satisfies the tummy and soul; a good watch without having to scroll. A goodnight with a book over the face;  and that feeling of not being part of any race. Most of the days - this is all we need.  The honesty and integrity of daily routine - the highest vibrating energy to take us ahead.

Considering that this year has been a lot about motherhood for me, it had to be a year of intense connection. While that experience with my son and husband has been a chapter by itself, what needed more time and energy was realizing the need and beauty of a profound disconnect. I never worked well with the concept of disconnect. Was it because I did not learn how to build boundaries too well? – Let’s just say that I did not learn to draw them well and my parents probably still don’t know that there is an option to do so. Celebrating bonds, emotions and heavily investing in relationships is what I’ve been conditioned to. No – I still can’t tell myself it is any less than amazing. Yes – I can now tell myself that not everyone can understand or feel the same way. If the idea of needing to “disconnect” at times sounds ridiculous, or even mean-spirited, I want to assure you that isn’t my intent at all. In my own life too, I have been the one that was disconnected from. It does hurt,...

What was I even thinking? Some days you just can't stop wondering about this. Some soups we get ourselves into, leave us questioning our own self over and over again. Some people we choose make us wonder about our capacity to analyze or make choices. Some of these situations are such a mess that though we make ourselves believe that we have moved on, very often we keep going back trying to understand why it took that path.  Whoever it may be or whatever situation it was, we definitely knew what we were feeling. But then - what were we thinking? Or, did we think at all? In some way or the other way, most of us are trying to sort something like this at all points.  A couple of days after me and my friend spoke about this aspect, I happened to read a note I'd written to myself in one of my older notebooks.  "What was I thinking? - I clearly wasn't thinking. Why wasn't I thinking? - Because I was busy feeling and I guess some aspect of it was good at that moment."...

The sight of a board that says "Waiting Room" mostly gives me a headache. Does that happen to you? The long lines at the billing counter, a delayed slot at the doctor's appointment, the wait for your order in a restaurant (the worst kind) and what not.  Well, for that matter, when I was in labor, the duty doctor told me to hold a bit as she wanted me to "wait for my doctor". Neil was born five minutes later !<Yes, thankfully my doc made it too> So yea, waiting is always tough! I'm sure majority of us felt all this and yet, now we are all waiting. Some to cross borders and meet their loved ones ; Some to get started with that job that they were supposed to join; Some to write those exams once and for all and get done with it;  Some to exit life situations that they now realize is no more than a suffocating hole; Some to finally start doing that thing they've been putting off forever; And all of us to just be able to step o...

21 days. There were countdowns everywhere. Different kinds of them - cooking experiments, art and craft, reading, reviews of contents to watch on digital platforms, ludo tournaments, zoom calls, home work-outs, cleaning and rearranging spaces and so on. The interesting part is that most of us knew that these 21 days will not be the end. In fact we were sure that there will be more to it. But still there was the countdown. There was hope. In a sense, we've lost count of days but countdowns are still on. Quarantine activities and #hashtags are still trending. Economy has collapsed. People around the world are going through all sorts of tough situations. Some people are dying in bits and pieces and so many are just dying. Freedom has now taken a new definition. But we feel hope. We have faith. For many it has been about realizing that while searching all around to experience the profound, it was right there in their homes. For many it has been about re...

There are these things which seem so little or trivial but actually is so strong in its impact and intent.   At the end of every big discussion we realize that it's after all a list of small things that needs to be looked into.  When David and I started talking a few years ago, there were certain casual statements and major discussions that flowed between us which gave us both the confidence to look at a future with each other. I remember this one time, when we discussed children - funnily enough we both didn't seem too sure about whether we wanted to have children, and if we did, we had no idea when. But we both seemed to agree on what the child's name should be like and that seemed to be the most organic part of the conversation. Fast forward - And Last month, we welcomed our little one to this world and we were definitely feeling a whole lot of things. There obviously was so much excitement to tell the world about his arrival and so we did with the expected...

There are times when it is all about dreaming to go far and wide. There are too many frames in the mind of how lovely it would be to take journeys  where the nights live on forever and friends made will give you stories for a lifetime. Then comes the time to actually go far and wide - not being able to contain the excitement. The journey surely being more beautiful and rewarding than it looked like in the dreams - the time when the nights live on forever and the friends will do all the magic. And then comes the time where journeys begin to look different. Sometimes it even feels just perfect to be alone while experiencing it and sometimes it feels like a journey to find a place or person that will become home. Then for many comes the time when it feels like they have arrived in that space - place, person, passion or the like. At the end of so many journeys, you stumble upon that sense of belonging and all the experiences along the way feel like they were just ...

She woke up every morning convincing herself that it is a good time to be. After all, most things come to her doorstep without her having to go out and get exhausted; There was enough content to watch on digital platforms – so much that she spent more time on the decision than actually watching; Education was taking interesting turns with alternative learning systems to beat the conventional ones – so now we’d see more kids on the block who crack life better than we did apparently; Innovation in design and technology blew her mind with every aspect of daily life getting so much easier; Equality, empowerment, tolerance and what not – everything is in the air or at least on social media; Medicine is developing at a good pace to deal with all the increasing sickness in this world; Mental health is being taken seriously and therapists are all over the place - so obviously happier people with sorted life; People are making conscious shifts to organic products, sustainab...

“We were a thing, you know. It is almost like we wake up together and do all our stuff in sync. We also enjoy similar activities and styles. But somehow she was not okay with me being around with….” “We are so connected and I used to share everything with them. It never felt like they were so elder to me. It was more of a buddy vibe than grandparent vibe. But then…”  “Last time I did that work schedule since she wasn’t there right. Now apparently I need to take up that responsibility completely!”  “We both were the best of friends. Like literally! For a really long time, it was just that and then with all that happened later and for the mess it became – wish I could…”  “How can we say no nah? It is okay. We’ll manage somehow.” Every person I talk to seems to be having something going on along these lines on a personal and professional level. Of course – my life is full of it too.  Really – these kinds of issues that each of us encounter on a d...

Hold fast to dreams, they say. For if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. But somehow she tried every night to stay awake to keep away from those dreams. Some days the waves get her and on others a shadow screams. She did her little prayer and filled her heart with gratitude. But then into the night, her fears came haunting, breaking her fortitude. Like children bring their broken toys to mend, she surrendered it all to God and turned to her friend. Tell me, she said. About the journeys they’d make, places they’d live. About the children they’d have, the home they’d build.  But he didn’t tell because he didn’t know it yet. We’ll see it as it comes he said instead. But it wasn’t until the bad dreams took her that he understood;  she didn’t need the home or the journeys; she only needed a beautiful dream to hold on to. 

Some days I hear that voice. The unpretending harmony. But so rare are such days. Most days it is all about the pretentious. Isn’t that proof enough that she’s been missing something. She spends her mornings and nights in faith; submitting every bit of her to that omnipresent power. It is like she waits everyday for her greatest self to come and rescue her. When will she realize that she must go to her? You’re sincerely being nice to us and everyone. When will you be nice to yourself, woman? You breathing thing. That’s how life works – being a home to new life while being a memory to many. I am letting you be because without a shattered heart, you may not find the strength to build a life better that before. Oh but I am not letting you be forever. Let me whisper this into your ears. "You’re worth everything. Loving deeply and living fully. Because you’re here today and alive. That’s all the proof you need."   "It must be possible to s...

When everything seems to be in place but yet it doesn’t feel that way. When the heart is always wandering but even the destination finds it hard to believe that you could wander. When there is not a bit of emotional energy you have for yourself and yet you squeeze out all that is left for people around. When you are honest and say uncomfortable things only so as to make the future comfortable but all you’re left with is a judgmental  sigh. When we are busy making assumptions and judgement  without realizing that you are being judged too. When you give your everything professionally but stingy ones on the other side dismiss it over convenient excuses. When you say “Me too” and people around dismiss it by just saying “oh you too”. When you’re constantly watching series and movies on digital platforms which of course are so brilliantly made, but you wonder why it is all about killing, dying, evil & fantasy – more like the end of something is near....

Some days we get it all wrong. Sometimes we just have one of those days, where things happen to you over and over again, as if someone up above is testing to see if you really want to have a good day. At least I do. A little something that's been brewing up inside my head leads to everything else. And then even before I realize, I just want to run and close myself in a room. I sit down and go through every scene of my 'bad day'. What all did I do? What did not go too well? Why did I say it or do it? I try to justify myself as much as I can ; as hard as I can. I repeat great lines to my own brains - " It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case you fail by default." or shorter ones like - "Life is tough darling, but so are you.". I deceive myself like I'm going to fix myself and look for options for distraction and engagement. It keeps going for a w...

The dream catcher slowly shifting. The curtain slightly swaying. The night sky all lit yet dark. You are the silent type. Aren’t you? The thoughts in my head. The memories from all around. The dreams in all its glory and power. I am not too silent. Am I? So why don’t you speak too. Or even shout. It just takes a thunder or a storm after all. In that kind of night, you can dissolve my voice. And then maybe we can have a dance.