Desert Rose

I miss them. The salad bars in Pizza Hut. I often overthink it – why do they not have them in India?! You might tell – Aren’t the pizzas more their thing, then why worry about the salad?   Well. Go to the salad bar and then let’s talk! That plate of salad is what I feel is absolute education. In Pizza Hut, there is the scheme of paying for a plate and taking as much salad as you can in one short in that plate. As straightforward as it may sound, it is an exercise that challenges you and tests you on everyday skills! The presence of mind to hold a napkin in your hand with the plate before you start – Initiate with purpose. Holding it firmly and doing the mental calculation of what goes where and the approximate quantities – Planning. Starting the layering and making those calculative moves – Be it the base layer of lettuce to avoid the runoff from the coleslaw and pickled beet or making sure the olives are embedded in the salads; silently recollecting the errors tha...

 Our D! Just like that, our son turns 3 today. While for me it still feels a blur, our D clears it for us. Very often I read and hear a lot that is said about mothers and yet it is just not enough. There is so much that goes into living this role but I want to believe we have started our journey of being seen in a way that matters. However, I felt the need to pen down a little about our D who took on the role of being a dad with all the apprehensions that I had myself. Through these 3.9 years, while I had my share of hustling and proving points, D had his share of not being seen and appreciated too. He was hands-on from the day he saw the 2 pink lines – he was and is present for every bit of it. His opportunity to work from home did not just make him the guy in the house – he took complete care of Neil and made sure I went to work with enough time to dress up! He changed his diaper almost always as he knew I did not really enjoy it. He watched our boy through the camera wh...

There are choices you make that put the well-being of your tribe first. You make an effort to persuade yourself that it will ultimately bring you happiness. But some days you see yourself holding on to words like “if”. There are some relationships in which you invest much more than you had anticipated. Later, you spend days building a narrative in your head about why things don’t look the same anymore , despite everything. There are those people for whom you made space with effort but then they got conditioned to it and stopped seeing beyond. You do everything you can to shift your perspective to “no expectations” but the mind resists. Viscous cycle or what? The last decade has been this for me – And, it has been going on long enough for my bones to feel it!

Whenever someone close asked me “how are you”, I’d take it seriously. I’d take it for granted that they wanted to hear it all. I’d assume that they have the time to hear everything. I would share tidbits of what's going well and a sneak peek at what's challenging for me. I would anticipate them to care, validate, and listen. Over time, I began to notice that I often receive one-line or one-word responses when I ask the same question. It felt like a lost opportunity or a meaningless exchange with minimal connection. I spent some time building up scenarios in my imagination, blaming myself, and doubting both relevant and irrelevant factors. It took me a really long time to identify the errors in my automatic thoughts. Once I started catching these errors, it made more sense and helped me navigate better on most days. I always began my letters to my grandparents and other family members back home with "how are you?" and then gave a full-fledged narrative of "how I...

Over the years, I have observed that doing extraordinary things is sometimes a little easier than doing the ordinary and necessary. We often deliver projects well or achieve more than our target for the month but would not have managed to make our bed, cook our meal or take a walk. In the literal sense, extraordinary is that which needs a little extra but looks like we're living in a time where the extra is what the ordinary tasks require.  Over the last decade, health has been a portfolio where I've tried to invest consistently. My personal experiences within the family, watching some near one's bargain for more time and witnessing some hitting the finish line, have been growing on me steadily. Even in the most casual conversations, when I hear a statement or comment where the body and life we have is taken for granted, it gets me restless and sad.  I always embraced routine and the ordinary. It genuinely helps me even through the days when my extraordinary plans don't...

While growing up, I missed a lot of important events back in my native. With less technology to aid, we'd wait for the next uncle or aunt who'd return from vacation to see a couple of photographs or to hear all about it, while they pulled out coconuts, bananas, snacks and pickles from their cartoon box stained with oil and fragrant of Kerala.  This phase also denied us the privilege to say goodbye to many of our loved ones. I remember how we'd get a call on our landline that lasted less than a minute - "Chettan is gone. The funeral will be mostly in the morning." This call is usually followed by some silence, a burning candle and sharing some memories. In fact, my father heard of his own dad the same way - just fortunate that he had a mobile phone by then and received the news while driving on the highway. We lit candles and prayed for grandpa while Pappa George got on a flight to say his final goodbye - or is it really a goodbye once the person is already gone? Y...

Today is finally the afternoon I've decided to sit down and make an entry about my alias. I'm writing this from one of my favourite places - my sister's room in our home of Geolin.  Years ago, Mumma Lin told me I should find a way to archive what I write. She often found bits and pieces of what I penned down in my notebooks and rough sheets. I wasn't very aware of how to do that during high school other than keeping a notebook. But I guess I actively kept looking out for options and was introduced to the concept of a blog.  During this season, a dear friend from school also introduced me to western music in a very engaging way.  Though I spent my childhood away from my native, I was more connected to music and art that was tied to my roots. I would listen to some English songs here and there, but I was not aware of the many artists, styles and magic that side of the world held within.  My friend took it on him to help me develop and curate my vibe from the vast optio...